Cause of Death: YOU!
“DIE! DIE! DIE! YOU WORTHLESS SCUM!” is a phrase most of us will think on a daily basis. Unfortunately murder can be a messy and tiresome business and is, for the time being, still illegal. Meaning that if your unarticulated desires ever actually came to fruition you’d probably get in a bit of trouble. Also there’s the practicality of it, yes ending a life is simple, just shoot someone in the head or push them in front of a bus, but what if you have no gun or metro timetable, what then? Well, just read this informative guide and pick one of these 11 easy ways to kill a person.
11.Push Thumb Into Eye
The eyes are the windows to the soul. So remove the eyes and the soul shall fly free! Eyes are soft and squishy, like grapes, and can be easily destroyed with the application of enough force (just like grapes).
You didn’t finish the job.
The easiest way to destroy an eyeball is to use your thumb, just crush those pesky peepers like you would crush a grape, this will grant you access to the brain, nature’s kill-switch, then simply swirl your digit around to cause irreparable and fatal damage. GRAPE!
10. Crush Windpipe
The windpipe looks like a snake inside you.
Eve ate an Apple in the Garden of Eden and thusly caused the downfall of mankind. Similarly if you need to cause the downfall of a single man destroy his Adam’s apple. Human beings have many design flaws, one such flaw that can be easy to exploit is the windpipe.
There are easier ways to commit suicide
The windpipe or trachea is the only natural way that human beings can get oxygen into their lungs. If this flow is disrupted the human will die. So if you wish to terminate a person, simply crush their windpipe with either a karate chop or, if you lack the desired physical force, some form of blunt object, like a hammer.
9. Kick the Temple
If you wish to anger a Rabbi then kick his Temple. If you wish to kill a person the same applies. The temple is at the side of the head behind the eyes, the bone beneath is known as the temporal bone.
This is the softest part of the skull and therefore the easiest to damage. Blunt trauma to this area, such as a kick, will cause brain haemorrhaging, followed by death.
8. Stab the Ears
That wasn’t a real doctor. Now you are dead.
What’s that you’re listening to? Your demise! Bwa ha ha. Humans have holes in the side of their head. These holes are known as ears and provide a human with auditory information about their environment.
Unfortunately these holes also provide easy access to the brain. The simple application of a long thin object, such as a pen or knitting needle, to the ear, with sufficient force, will cause significant damage to the brain, resulting in death.
7. Punch Kidneys
Wrong type of Kidney
If you’re a cruel and unusual type of person, who’d like to inflict a tremendous amount of pain upon your intended victim, then I highly recommend the ‘Kidney Punch’.
The kidneys are organs with several functions, they are essential in the urinary system, serve homeostatic functions such as the regulation of electrolytes and maintenance of the acid–base balance, and also help regulate blood pressure by maintaining the salt and water balance. So if you damage these astonishing organs, the human system shall surely fail and in a most horrific and painful way. To achieve this effect simply smash one or both kidneys with a powerful punch.
6. Rotate Head
Owls can rotate their heads and necks as much as 270 degrees in either direction. Humans cannot. In action films many an extra has been killed when a Schwarzenegger, Stallone or Seagal has grabbed their head from behind and violently twisted their neck, severing their spine.
Now, although this method of execution is possible, it requires a tremendous amount of upper body strength. A simpler solution would be to smash an unsuspecting victims face on the jaw, with a powerful force, such as a sledge-hammer. Due to Newtonian Physics, this will cause the head to rotate fatally upon its own accord. Job done.
5. Jump On Head
Practice makes perfect
You need your brain to live. If your skull (where your brain lives) is jumped upon repeatedly you will die. Simple.
4. Smash Spine
If your desire is to simply ruin a person’s life, then any amount of damage to the spinal column will usually leave your victim paralysed or at the very least in agonising pain for the rest of their lives.
Should you wish to finish the job properly then the spinal cord must be severed. A single powerful force applied to the coccyx (tailbone) will in most cases prove fatal, but if their still squirming, just remember to rinse and repeat.
3. Stab Crotch
Probably the second most difficult on the list, but included for its visceral verve, stabbing someone in the crotch with an object sharp enough to pierce the skin, such as a kinife, will kill them.
Femural arterys are located on both sides of the groin. If pierced they will, very quickly, cause massive blood-loss and subsequently death.
2. Push Septum into brain
Don’t have a weapon? Use their own body against them. The nasal septum is the cartilage wall separating the nostrils of the nose.
If struck from underneath with sufficient force this will drive the person’s own nose into their brain, killing them instantly. The most effective way to achieve this, is to move the heel of the hand up and under your victim’s nose, as fast as you can.
1. Jam Fireworks Into Eyes
While undertaking the research needed to complete the list, this was found in an forum under the heading ‘How to Kill People’ –
“Jam fireworks in their eyes while they are tied down to a chair outside in the backyard on 4th of july. They are already fucked up because you jammed fireworks in their eyes so they’re crying and shit. And you’re like “I’m gonna light up now.” and they are like “No! Please you already blinded me, please please stop!” But you don’t give a fuck because you don’t know the feeling of guilt; so you flick on your zippo by your pants and light up those bastards.”
Although this has to be the most difficult way to end a person’s life, featured on this list, it earns the number one spot for sheer awesomeness.